Sunday, 14 April 2013

Born and raised

Life as we speak is lived in many different ways, different from person to person. Every single one of us has our own idea on how life should be lived, what is wrong and what is right. I'm very much a person of thought, meaning I think a lot about everything. Without actually thinking about it I have been putting tons of thought into what kind of person I would like to be. I turned 26 in February which means life is pretty much at its best, I'm about to finish my uni-degree this year and about to make some huge decisions in terms of what I want to do with my life, where I wanna go and where I want to end up. Dreaming is allowed and is for me one of the biggest privileges of life. Noone can or should tell you what you can or cannot do, dont let anyone stand in the way. Getting older though, I have seen people come and go, you meet new people all the time and sometimes it feels like you have come to meet people that brings new and exciting things with them. For some reason now when looking back, I can make a long list with people who I have spend tons of time with, but for whatever reason I dont anymore. I end up having the people I have known since I was a kid, the closest to me.

The people who really knows you, knows both the good and bad sides and even though I, from time to time and for different reasons shows my ugly side, they still stick around. I choose to call these people my friends. My family. When all comes to the end, you know who can count on and deep inside you know that you would do anything for them if you had to, without blinking with an eye.

Everyday I have smaller or bigger fights with myself. Having a creative mind, seems to also create some sort of "problems" . With problems I don't really mean 'problems', more personal discussions or fights, that mainly happens in my head. I want everything to be perfect. My work, my art, my make-up, my nails, my relationships. Nothing can be perfect even though I want it to be, and this is one of the flaws I have, I have a hard time accepting that fact. Being self-critical is to some extend a good thing, right? I hear all the time that people thinks I'm a nice person, that I'm the "in your face" kind of person, which makes me happy. It just makes it harder for me to then admit if there is something I am not comfortable about, cause that sort of doesn't suit the persona people has put on me. Then the worry kicks in and I guess you all know that feeling you can get, like your nervous. I keep telling myself that I shouldn't care what others think, after all its my life not theirs and if they don't like me then *shoot*. But really I do care, I think everyone does. We all care about what others thinks of us to some extend. We want to be liked, we want to be acknowledged.

What is right and wrong though. I cant tell but I sometimes wish someone could. When you run into the wall and you don't know whether you should look to the left or right, I wish I had someone to guide me. Through the last couple of years I have grown as a person, accepting things and done things that I have a hard time connecting to the person I -think- I am. I'm very opinionated, I can be stubborn, I'm a sucker for love. I know what hurts me and I'm aware when I get hurt and how. And still I let it happen, this is one of the main issues I have when it comes to over-thinking. "Why am I doing it when I know the outcome?" To the point of this whole wall of text: I think we like to suffer and I believe we love emotional pain to an extend where it doesn't break us completely but leaves us in a spot where we can still crawl our way back up. The contrast when reaching the top again leaves us high on happiness and the pain was somewhat "worth it".

I see myself as a good person. I love people easily, I trust people hardly but I give everyone a chance to prove themselves. "Be the kind of person you want to meet" is one of my favourite quotes, and also a line my parents has told be since I was a child. I will stop writing now I don't actually see a red-line in this post but who cares. Its my life and I decide it made me feel great to put it "down on paper"

S xx

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